Please note, this form does not currently work - maybe I'll fix it some day. I'm married now, so you're kind of too late. In fact, this form was written in the year 2000!

Gary’s selection criteria for his
Ultimate Mate/Wife
(Not to be taken completely seriously)

Please mark "YES" for all items that apply or are true about you:

  YES NO  
1 Must own your own hiking boots (and not just for some sort of fashion statement)
2 Must have been a woman since birth
(Have not been to a special surgical clinic in Sweden and only after that visit became a woman)
3 May have small bust with petite figure
(butts which require WIDE LOAD signs and a pilot car when transported are BAD)
4 May be in military
(as long as rest the of the platoon doesn’t know you to be a "good lay")
5 Must like to travel
6 Must have strong sense of adventure
7 Should understand that it is the journey and not so much the destination
8 Should think the best trips are the ones with the least planning
(let the adventure find you)
9 Should think that being a stowaway on the baggage car of a Peruvian train seems perfectly reasonable
10 Should be a Christian
11 May be a Catholic who doesn’t attend Mass (AKA "Reformed Catholic")
12 Might own 4 wheel drive or other off road vehicle
13 May feel more comfortable in a sleeping bag than in your bed at home
14 Should like foreign or art-house films
15 Should not take yourself or life too seriously
(If you are not offended by this Wife Application Form, you should answer "yes")
16 Must have a good sense of humor
(If you have laughed more than once during this test, answer "yes")
17 Must understand or believe that happiness is far more valuable that money
18 Should not be too phased by the occasional "near death experience"
19 Must not have "emotional baggage" or "real baggage" that requires 2 bell boys to get it to the room. (In either case, an "emotional backpack" or "real backpack" is okay)
20 Should think that the goal of any trip is coming back alive with a cool story
21 Should be known to leave the house without any make-up on
(without feeling self-conscious about it)
22 Might not wear make-up at all because you feel that you have "natural beauty" and are comfortable with who you are (very cool)
23 Should like to go cycling / mountain biking
24 Should think it’s cool that I NEVER spend my Sundays watching football
25 Must bathe daily (except when camping/backpacking)
26 Must own your own toothbrush
27 Might think U2, Cake, Green Day, Moby, Enya, The Clash, REM, Cranberries, Peter Gabriel, Depeche Mode, Deep Blue Something, The Mighty Mighty Boss Tones, and the Propellerheads are cool bands.
28 Might fit my preference for a blonde with brown eyes, or short brown hair, Asians are okay, and chicks with European accents are cool
(that should cover about half the female population of the world, so I guess I’m not too picky)
(Okay, looks are not really that important - I don't want a super-model. I guess you just have to be "my type". I'm just looking for someone who will be a pleasure to wake up next to each morning for the rest of my life. A woman with a face that I can stare for hours without hesitation - oh crap, my sensitive side started to ooze out here)
29 Might be into photography
30 Should want to be my running/jogging/exercise/fitness buddy
31 Should think that a nice night is spent at a coffee lounge listening to music or poetry and engaging ourselves in great conversation
32 Might think that another great night might be spent at the coast or the wilderness watching the sun go down followed by a nighttime walk on the beach or in the forest

Please note how these were phrased above and how they are graded:
must = must have this trait or this must be true about you
should = should have this trait (but not required) - you can miss a few of these
might = might have this trait - a bonus if you do, but certainly not required
may = it is okay if you have this or are this and it is considered a slight bonus

So, if you didn't miss any of the "MUST" statements, you are still in the running, but wait, there's more...

Negative traits (none of these should apply to you)…

  YES NO  
1 Have excessive and untamed facial hair
2 Take hairspray when camping
3 Whine a lot
4 Waist size equals more than half the measure of your height
5 Owns more than 35 pairs of shoes
(recently raised this standard as no women could be found to own less than 25 pairs – go to your closet and count – you know I am right)
(hiking boots and shoes used exclusively for exercise need not be counted in this total)
6 Consider yourself to be a "recovering lesbian"
7 Think that hiking is when you have to park at the far end of the mall parking lot and walk to Macys
8 Often drive around the parking lot for 20 minutes to avoid a 5 minute walk
9 Need me for a Green Card and are "really dreading the two years you are going to spend with me to get it"
10 Know any of the plots from any daytime soap operas
11 Think Backstreet Boys, *Nsync, or any other boy group is cool
12 Have cottage cheese thighs that rival the surface of the moon
13 Always spend more than an hour to prepare yourself to leave the house
(even to get the paper off the front porch)

Please provide the following contact information:

Your Name
Your E-mail Address